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Thursday, August 10th, 2006
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So yeah, I'm leaving in a few days and I noticed I haven't updated in forever... So here is what's new in my life. Ila has been gone over a week now. Sadly, it's been just about a week since I've last heard from her as well... When she first left she was calling me every other night just for a little while to tell me hi and everything else. The calls have since stoped. Now, I know logically there could lots of different explanations to why she hasn't. I'm still becoming more and more paranoid with each night that passes though. It's one of those things, if she loves me so much and everything why doesn't she find a way to call me, espcially after she promised she would again after our last phone call. This just isn't makeing sense to me. It probibly doesn't help that I'm lonely. My mind is jumping to conclusions that it shouldn't... It's making me think that either something happened to her or she doesn't want to call me... I know that's probibly just me being stupid but I just don't know. Why would she go from calling me every other day and promising me to call me again in the next couple of days to suddenly not talking to me at all. Hopefully before I leave I can talk to her. Right now I'm just so confused and paranoid. There are other things going on too that are making my life interesting. I guess time will tell what's going on... I just hope she calls...
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I've now decided that tomorrow (tonight's) game will be Kirby's Adventure!!!! I love that game... It makes me happy. I'm so glad I found it!!! YAY!!!
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So I just spent the better part of my evening playing and beating each and every last little level of Super Mario Bros. 3. Yes it's 1 in the morning and yes I just beat the game a few moments ago. The last time I beat this game was like... 5 or so years back. It's been so long since I've hooked up my old NES and just played my old games. It brings back a lot of good memories. I've found that a lot of these levels and ways I beat some of my old games are still in my memory too. Honestly... if I remember correctly though this has been the first time I've ever beaten this game 100%. Every other time I've played it I used the whistle to skip to different worlds. Well this time I did every last little place I could go to. It was accually very addicting and very fun. Here's to the glory days of Nintendo Entertainment System! Tomorrow's game.... I think will be Punch Out. Lets see if I can beat another game tomorrow YAY!!!
On a side note I finally get to spend a little time talking to Ila tomorrow!!! She's just been so busy and stressed lately. Double Yay!!!!
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| Subject: | Working |
| Time: | 2:11 pm. |
| Mood: |  content. | | Music: | Greenday: Good Riddance (I never can escape that song...). |
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So here I am -hard- at work. Well really... I am working, just not at the moment :P. So I'm back at my old job of assisting people in using professional software to make movies and slideshows. My current project is for the Middle school's Eagle Program (Gifted and talented for those of you who don't know what that is). Their last day of meeting is tomorrow so yeah, I have a bit of work ahead of me. The good news is that the person who hired me again (same person as last year to those who know or remember) has a majority of it done. This however is also her first attempt at making a movie on her own so I was called in to fix all the technical problems. After making around 50 some transitions adding a few segments and fixing all the music problems I'm just waiting for this thing to render. There are a few other things I think I can fix on it but I don't know if I should. I think the slide timing is a bit to long but if I change that everything, I mean everything, will have to be rerendered and retimed. Not a very fun thing. Another thing about this movie that has me slightly concerned is that when I preview it, it's laggy. I think it might be from the fact that there is only 300 Mb free on the computer though. If not then I'm going to have to figure out what's going on and fix it. I'll probibly have to change the timing then anyways. Only real way to figure it out is to accually burn a copy of it though.
Don't you all feel speical? You get to be included in a work day in the life of yours truly. If this doesn't show that I'm a geek I don't know what will... Oh look, only a few more minutes of rendering all my work. I have to work again on Wednesday but this time it's going to be a bit more chalenging. I have to learn a new program in a few days to be able to do this one. I'm switching to Final Cut Pro now. I haven't used that one nearly as much as I have any other program. That's ok though, I'm looking forward to learning a bit more about it. I also have a lot of other jobs lined up. Funny how I'm the freelance worker already. All of my jobs pretty much include making movies and slideshows for organizations and families. I won't complain about the pay either. I'm making pretty good money. As of right now while working with the lady I'm working with now I'll be making $50 an hour tutoring two kids in advanced movie making. The other family that wants to hire me already paid me $500 for a previous job I did for a memorial service. For the jobs they want me to do I'll probibly get less but they will be smaller scale things to begin with so everything is looking really good right now.
Getting money for college also seems to be going smoothly. From both of my graudations I recieved slightly under $5000 from friends and family. I also recieved a 10k scholarship from Vail Resorts. I have a couple thousand saved in the bank. My FASFA hasn't come in yet. Right now NMT's tuition is around 10k a year, I already have two years of college out of the way... It's looking all right right about now. Whatever I get from these jobs is also going to be going towards school too probibly. I might keep a little for myself though just so I can buy a nice video game from time to time :). Well I think that's all, the video has rendered so i'm back off to work seeing if there is anything else I can clean up or modify to make it run smoother and look prettier.
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Well, it's finally come, Graduation day. To say the least if feels different than I always thought it would. I thought it would be where the stress would go away, and a time of compleate happiness. Though the burden of high school is over as well as two years of college many of these things have not happened in the way I expected them to. First the stress and worry of leaving home in three short months has become quite familiar in my life now. My family has always been so close I find it extra painful knowing that things are about to change for good. Of course I'll see them from time to time but it just won't be the same. This has turned this happy time into a time of mixed emotions. Tears seem to come and go for everyone in my family having realized I'm down to a few months more of being with them. My parents are constantly crying and spending time with me tell me how compleatly proud of me they are and how much they'll miss me. What it comes down to is I'm just a pretty sappy person. I know when I accually watch the little slideshow that my mom made for my party I'm going to cry. Just hearing the music she chose to put with it makes me want to cry. Today is going to be a harder day than I could have imagined
Today is also a day of celibration though. I have more family than I could probibly count coming down today. According to my parents for my graduation party we are expecting over 50+ people. We really don't know how many people to expect though because my mom accidently forgot to put in a RSVP thingie into the cards. So we're just having people drop in and surprise us. It's a good thing we have enough food to feed all these people. I'm looking on the bright side though right now... At least I get to wear two tassels for graduation! I'm sure I"m going to look kinda funny like that but hey, I don't care! If my mom takes pictures today I'll send one to whoever wants them. Just let me know!
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Well it seems that certain people have once again drawn me right into another problem. Lovely really... I didn't want to have to deal with this again and hoped that it never game up again but I guess certain people just don't understand things... I've tried to be nice in the past but I'm just done. I know it would probibly be the right thing to get involved in this again but at this point in time I just don't care. I'm not going to get in the middle again. When the consequences come down again... which I'm sure they probibly will... I don't want any part of it. I'm leaving this in the hands of another. They will be free to do with it as they please. As for me, I"ll resign myself to just being a spectator to this, though I feel as if I'll be drawn in yet again... I guess only time will tell...
Anyways, on a side note... I don't know what this summer is going to hold. Ila leaves in a little over a month with the Cascades. That puts me in a very lonely possition. Added to that is the fact that I might not even really get to see her when she comes to Denver makes a very troublesome ordeal. Also concidering when she gets back from all this I'll be starting college adds a little bit more of a problem. I have no idea how things are going to work out then... I'm sure we'll figure something out though... We just really need to see eachother and might not be able to for another year...
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You know... I thought the stress would be over as soon as I got my college degree. That was the biggest stressor in my life at the time and I figured that when it was done a majority of my stress would be gone too. I guess I was wrong. Where the stress in acedemics went down it increased in other places just as much. Now I'm just frustrated and confused about so much. I have so many things going through my mind right now. I feel like I'm being labeled that bad guy in ever single way righ tnow. I'm just trying to help though. Whenever I help I just seem to be making things worse though. I almost feel like I need a break from everything. Just to have nothing to worry about. Just to be able to relax for a while and be free of all these damn problems. I know that's not going to help in anything though. Running away from things never did a thing for anyone really. I don't know though. I hope things get better. It's going to bother me a bit though. All I know is that tonight I'm getting away from everything. I'm going to try to hang out with some old friends tonight and party a bit with them for old time's. Prolly play a little bit of D&D or something and just go into a world with now worries. Other than this, this weekend is going to be ok I think. Just studying for finals...
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IT'S DONE!!! TWO YEARS OF COLLEGE AND AN OFFICAL ASSOCATES OF SCEINCE DEGREE!!!! YAY!!!!
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So yeah, once again I find myself sitting here compleatly board again. I'm also feeling extreamly lazy and all I want to do is slack off. It seems like I've finally discovered the true nature of senioritis. I knew that as soon as I secured my graduation on Saturday from CMC that I would stop caring about high school. Either way though it's just a relief to be done. I can't believe I have a college degree. I never though i would have made it this far. I guess lucky for me that I have so many people willing to push me along and keep me happy. It feels like so much stress has been lifted off of my sholders. It's a great feeling even though it's caused me to be lazy. Oh well though. I think I deserve a bit of rest now though.
Well I need to go study for a test right now. I'm not looking forward to it but at least this one is a test I can do. Bleh... Just a little while longer until it's all done... Then I get to prepare for real college... Joy...
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The suject and fox tell it all... To lazy to do anything, done with degree, to lazy to write more. Maybe more will come later. To lazy to form proper sentance... *sleeps*
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I'm so bored right now. There just isn't anything interesting going on right now. I'm just kinda floating around right now. I have work I need to do, but I'm just a bit unmotivated right now. I'll do it evenually. I'm a bit worried about my calc test tomorrow. So much rides on that test. I'm really nerveous about it. I don't feel like I know anything that will be on there. I guess all I can do is study and hope. Ick...
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Thursday, April 27th, 2006
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Well, this is my finals week for my college classes. That means more work than I could have ever once imagined... Why I am writing then... because I'm too depressed to really be able to work right now. I've realized at this point in my life just how stupid this whole thing has become. When I got screwed out of being in the upper 10% of my class ranking after freshmen year I took a different approach to things and deiced to get more college done and hurry things along a bit. When I learned I could earn my Assocates degree I jumped on that without really thinking... What result of it could only be seen now though. I realize now that this was the crappiest move I've ever made. Yes, I'll be going into a college with enough credits to be a Jr, yes I've saved lots of money but I realize that not all of it was worth it. I gave up a lot to be able to do this, more than I felt ok with I realize. I had to dedicate my life to doing nothing but school. With so much extra work it became near impossible for me to keep up with it all. I'm still passing but I've fallen behind all around and the quality of my work isn't that great from rushing through so much. This wouldn't be a problem if I could only just focus on my work. People admire me for my dedication and determination. Little do they seem to realize just how laid back I want life to be. Yes, I can get things done when I need to but I need to have down time as well. Sure everyone needs down time, I know that but I've realized mine comes with a price. I have to sacrifice time with people I love and care about.
My family wanted to leave this weekend to visit my grandparents... I wanted to do that so badly, I miss them. I couldn't though, and my family cancelled their plans because of me. Why...? Because of my college work, because it's finals week, and because I just can't keep up with everything and keep myself ok. Every night this week I've felt like I was about to break from the pressure and weight of it all. I kinda think I have now. I broke down in tears because tonight is some type of mini awards night at my school and my parents really wanted to go to it and see me get my acedemic letter. I can't though... I have 25+ papers to do in Health by the 2nd, I need to try to save my rear on a Gov test by studying, I have bio work that's over a week late to make up, and I need to study for a Calc test that's on monday. I've lost my life to this thing. I've become a slave to school. What time I use to relax with I feel guilty about now because it seems to take away from my families plans and ideas. My parents arn't really happy about me because of this. Yes, I know I freaken slack off from time to time but I can't freaken take all this. There are just to many things coming at me right now. All this crappy college work, just coming off of a pretty bad time with my girlfriend, dealing with going away to college... Just everything. I took away what could have been a fun and enjoyable year
I guess it's good this is finals week. I know I just have 4 more days of this hell to endure and it's done. It may not really have been all that worth it but it's done. If I would have had another month I would have just dropped the program. Honestly I don't know what's kept me going for so long. Maybe it was because regardless of how much it took away from everyone, everyone still kept pushing me to do my best and keep going. For that I do thank everyone whom has endured my endless complaits and have kept me on this track. I guess I finished for all of you because at this point I feel as if even though I've done something impressive it just wasn't worth it to me anymore. Maybe I might feel different afterwards but I know the time I lost can't be given back to anyone, not to me, not to my parents, not to my friends, and not to Ila. I wish that I could turn back time and give some back, espcially to my parents. They just want to be able to spend time with me during our last year together... But I've been blowing them off for having just a little down time to myself. I would have spent time with them... I want to right now... After this week I plan to spend time with them each and every day. It's often said that you don't know what you have until it's gone. Recently I've been managing to see what I have just before I loose it. With what little time I have after all this. I really do hope to be able to spend it with everyone I can, espcially my parents. Thank you again to all those whom have helped me. I may not always show you all that I care about you guys but you really all do mean a lot to me. I don't know where I would be now without all of you. Thank you all.
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Thursday, April 20th, 2006
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Well, everyone here seems to be gone at a feild trip for band today. It's made a lot of my classes seem very empty and very boring. Kinda of a lonely sort of day. I still need to finish my trig test today too, not really looking foward to that. I just hope I do ok on it. I wonder why I have so much due tomorrow... I kinda wish time was on my side again. I have 4 more pages for English I need to have typed out, plus I think I really need to reorganize my paper. I have something for government due tomorrow. I also have a weeks worth of late bio work I need to work on. I just can't focus enough anymore to do work though. Stress seems to have consumed a large portion of my life. That stress has been prenting me from keeping up with what I need to do anymore
Part of me keeps wondering what is really causing this stress, the other part of me thinks it knows why it's happening. I guess it's just a real big mix of things. The irony of it all is that it seems to have followed 95% of my results from my color test. Those things are almost a little to accurate for my liking. Either way, it seems to be right whether it's from misattribution or that's really the way my life is. It also seems to be very difficult to take back control of everything. It still almost always seems as if something is coming up that makes things worse or makes stuff a little more difficult on me.
In truth, I'm scared of all the things that have been going on around me. I don't know what to think or what to do. Many of the things that I've had in my life and grown accustom to seems to be changing or won't really be there anymore. It's been causing me to feel more lonely than I really am I think. I don't know though, other factors in my life make me think that I really am on the verge of being somewhat alone. I know those things arn't true, or at least I hope that they arn't but they still scare me. With so many uncertenties coming up in my life and occuring at this moment it's hard to almost distinguish what is really going on and what I interpret things as.
To top things off yesterday was just a horrible day for me. In 10 short minutes after school I felt like my entire desires and dreams over the last few years were worthless. The people I had to do an interview for a scholarship compleatly degraded all of my work. They used words such as I haven't made a "significant impact on my commnunity" and that if I were to die just after compleatly college "I haven't really touched anyone's life but my own and probibly wouldn't be remembered as a major contribution to society". Real happy words... In sort they pretty much summed up my whole assocates degree work into looking out only for my self interests while letting the community figure it's own problems. They implied that I was selfish and a hypocrit because they believed that a person taking as heavy as a workload as me couldn't write a valid essay on the hidden dangers and problems with stress. I've never felt so degraded in all my life really. I don't expect anything from these people nor really want anything from them anymore. I've pretty much stoped caring about what they told and figured they can go screw themselves. Yesterday just wasn't very much or very happy. I just hope today has better results. It should because of other factors and promises people have made me... I just hope that those promises are kept... I really need them to be right now...
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Saturday, April 15th, 2006
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| Subject: | Trojans |
| Time: | 1:28 am. |
| Mood: | amused/ticked. | | Music: | Xemnas' ending theme (KH2). |
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I've got to love the internet and how once again I find myself fixing my own computer from a fun little infestation of bugs and viruses. The cause this time? Trying to find a proper codec for windows media player that would convert these damn .wav sounds into MP3s turned out to be a real B*#&%. So yeah... I thought I found the codec I needed... nooooo... Apprently it wasn't what I had wanted... Instead... you guessed it... It was Trojan!!! WEEEE!!!! Next thing I know I'm getting a little flashing notice from what I believe was my Microsoft Anti-spyware symbol thingie saying that a virus has been found and the proper meassures need to be taken for yada yada yada. So what do I do? I run good ol Ad-aware... and what does it pick up... You guessed it... Tracking cookies!!! OK ok... really it found the trojan too... It also found that damn little codec that turned out to be for videos... Apprently that stupid thing was distruibuted by some porn site... Way to go on getting the right codec... bravo... I swear this is the last time I ever do anything for the church... I'll make them find their own conversion codec stuff next time... Then they'll get the trojan... Not me... So anyway, back to the story. I delete what I can but the stupid notice is still going crazy. Then I realize that suddenly I have new icons on my desktop... What they were... I don't remember, something about Security help center and a new anti-spyware program I didn't install. I decide to run my other spy ware scans to see what else I find... and what do you know... I find a second trojan. Awesome isn't it? At this point I was feeling quite mad at a lot of things... I figured I better run a one of those fun virus scans. Well I open the program and what do you know... It's disabled... Compleatly refuses to scan. I'm very well not going to get back online just to make it work either... Oh no... Not when crazy microsith is telling me something is wrong... although the little alert kept telling me to go download antimalware programs... Meh... Either way the thing had me not very happy. I decide to just restore to one of my nifty little system restore points from 2 days ago and poof! Here I am now. The notices are gone, the icons that were on my desktop, my computer didn't know what the hell they were so it just threw them and from what I can tell most of the problems are cleaned up. I'm running a virus scan now just to be sure, yes it is working again now. Huzza! So yeah, hopefully this thing desides to be good again. Oh... and about the sounds, They are going to work with what they get... I'm not going to even bother typing in the word codec again for some time... even though i just typed it... huh... NEVER AGAIN I SAY!!! Hopefully I can get some sleep now... I haven't been feeling well. To much stress from life, grand isn't it? Well I think I'm off to sleepy sleepy land... Until next time.... DANCE WATER DANCE!
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Thursday, April 13th, 2006
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So I beat the game a few nights ago. I have never beaten an rpg so fast in all my life I think. It was just so freaken amazing though!! For those of you whom have never played the Kingdom Hearts serious I would encourage all of you to start. Who honestly could have ever thought a disney based game should be so much fun. There is just so much story to all of it. It will have you hooked for hours on end I bet. At least it did with me. I'm sure many people can vouch for me on that one too! I could go on talking about this game forever but for those of you who accually read my random posts I won't spoil anything for you should you choose to play this wonderful game.
Anyway, nothing new is really going on in my life. I graduate from CMC in just a couple more weeks... Sad part is I still have another 3 weeks or so of high school afterwards... lame lame lame...
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Well despite all the trouble this weekend has been a bit of good news and hope has come from it. My parents have decided that for this summer we are going to go back to Washington so I can be with Ila again. I won't get to see her as soon as I would have liked to have nor would it be for a special occation but I'm just so happy to get to be with her for a little while. My parents are so wonderful in comparison to hers. I'm glad we at least have someone who is on our side and trying to help us. In times like these it makes all the difference. Now I just need to wait for summer again and see when we go down again. I just hope everything works out nicely.
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Prom... A time that a lot of high school students look forward to. For many it's a night where many memories are made. That seems espcially so to those who either have a date and those who don't care if they have a date or not... Sadly I don't fall into either one of those catogories. Ila won't be able to come down to be with me on what could have been a very special night. Accually... she won't be able to come down here at all for any reason. That means that many of the memories I hoped to have and to make during that night I can't... What more could I have expected from them, they are horrible people. I hoped for a mircle of some sorts but whenever I ask for that it always seems like to much to ask. I'm not even going to bother going to prom now I think... What would be the point of it? I know that I should probibly go to at least one prom while in high school but if I go to this one I'm going to feel like crap the whole time. Even with a group I'm going to feel extreamly lonely and I won't have any fun. In fact I'd probibly sucseed at making myself more misurable by going. Already seeing couples in the halls of my school is bothering me more than it usally does. A formal dance like prom will probibly cause me to breakdown because of the lonelyness. It's such a compleatly horrible feeling.
I wish that was all... but it isn't... The implication of all this is that it really will be much much longer then we though until we see eachother again... My parents already have things planned for this summer of what they want to do. Special little things that we can do as a family, with my grandparents that will be my final farewell before I go off on my own to college. The truth is, depending on where I go to college will dictate how long it will be until I see Ila again. If I go to school in Washington then I'll see her in August, which will make it one year from when we last saw eachother. Anywhere else though and I could be looking at anywhere from the first major break I get while in college to summer of that following year. No matter what I do at this point it's going to be anywhere between 1 to 2 years since I"ve last seen her. I don't know when I'll be able to see her again and the mystery of it all is eating me up inside. I love her so much and the pain of being away from her for so long just seems to get more and more unbearable each day that goes by. It doesn't help that I'm overloaded with school work, I'm about to leave my family and friends, and that life is going to compleatly change for me in a few months. The bottom line is... I need to see her again. This just isn't fair... I wish I could just wait for the next break in school that I get and fly down there and spend time with her... but it isn't that simple. Even though I'm going to be off on my own, able to make my own choices I have no idea how I would be able to afford it. As it stands I have no idea how I'm going to afford college. Any money I make will probibly be what gets me through my education. Even if I can get down there though, there is the question of if I would even be able to see or spend that much time with her. At this point I don't even know anymore. It just seems like longer and longer before I can see her again and not feel alone like this anymore. I'm misurable lacking any contact with her. I'm very thankful to have her and to be able to hear her voice every night but I just wish I could hold her or kiss her every now and then. Sometimes I feel like I"m forgetting what it all felt like to hold someone or to kiss someone because it feels like such a dream anymore. When I realize how long it will be till I get to do that with her again it doesn't feel like we did it in the first place. It seems so much like an illusion and it makes me long for those feelings again. Every time that happens I feel like I'm slowly slipping into madness, a deep lonelyness that I can't escape... What did I do to deserve this...?
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Monday, February 27th, 2006
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Today has been lonely beyond measure for me. The day just keeps on dragging too it seems. I know there are things I'm supposed to be doing but I don't feel like doing them right now. The weather is warming up and the skies are becoming more and more sunny. Each day that goes by it feels more and more like spring... and that bothers me for some odd reason. It's causing me to feel more lonely than I normally do. I know I need to figure out how to shake this feeling right now but it just doesn't feel like I can. It's almost like something in the air is triggering this lonelyness. Like every time I breathe in or look at the sky or the grass I'm reminded of something but I can't compleatly put my finger on it. Walking in the park seems to be espcially lonely anymore. I've always kinda gotten like this every year so far but it's never been this bad to the point where sometimes I just feel paralyzed I don't think it's because I'm leaving in May either... I think that is contributing a little but something else is causing this time of the year to be painful to my mind.
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Sunday, February 26th, 2006
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Well, this is what I get for pulling up an all nighter... Yay for lack of sleep!!! Weeeee!!! So Scott came over to my house last night and we played a racing game for most of the night. It was interesting watching him go from being really cruddy to gaining some skill. Though this would only be interesting to a gamer like myself. Call it weird but I like to watch how people develope stratigies and tactics when it comes to tackling different problems in a video game. It kinda gives me a prospective on how they think outside of a game. Also it's just flat out fun! Weeee!
We only played video games till around midnight. Then we pulled out Scott's new laptop and started to watch anime on it. Leave it to Scott to get me hooked on a show, he always tends to do that. Same thing with music too. Anyway, how he has me hooked on a series called Initial D. It is about legal street racing in Japan. It's accually really done too and fairly educational for those of you who want to drift around corners at crazy speeds and risk your life on steep mountain passes :P. We ended up watching that till about 5 in the morning. So yeah... I'm a wee bit tired now. It's kinda funny though, I work better with little energy than Scott does. Maybe it's because I'm so used to getting little sleep. Probibly not to good for me. I probibly should try getting more sleep at night.
On another note today makes 13 months for Ila and myself. It's pretty hard to believe that we've been together for so long. Truthfully it doesn't feel like all that long since we first got together. We sure have come a long way since then. At first I'm not sure if either one of us were really sure if we were going to make it as long as we did. Look at us now though, here we are still together and everything. We've had our fair share of ups and downs during these last 13 months but we managed to pull though each and every time. I really do hope that come April she'll be able to come down here and we'll be able to spend some much needed together again. She means the world to me and I would do anything to be with her just for a few more days again.
That's pretty much it for now I guess. With a day like today I don't know if anything else is really going to come up or should be expected to come up... Except for maybe dinner... I think I can expect that...
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sharpasamarble's journal
depressed.
bouncy.
pissed off.
lazy.
nervous.